Anna Duggar on Handling Meltdowns

How do you handle meltdowns in public with your little ones?

Anna: For me, when my children have a meltdown in public, there is a temptation to think that my children are better than that. I try to have a humble spirit and have an attitude of loyalty towards my children by being loving and understanding towards them. Often, a child's meltdown in public is the result of a really uncomfortable situation.

I speak to my children in a soft voice and ask what's bothering them. And then I encourage them to respond with positive behavior: "It's been a long day, but you are doing so well! We're in this together."

I ask them what they think the right response is, and then we practice that behavior. For instance, if we're at a restaurant, we practice sitting still at the table and using good manners. And then I praise them.

Like Michelle, I try to lower my voice instead of raise it. I bend down and ask them to look into my eyes. With Michael, since he's a little boy and is so squirmy, I have him put his hands on my cheeks right by my eyes to remind him to maintain good eye contact.

After I reach my kids' hearts, I try to figure out if there is a specific need they have. When we are out and about, I usually pack high-protein snack for my kiddos. When you have a tired kid with an empty stomach, that is really tough. You can keep raw almonds in your purse for forever, if your kids are old enough to eat them.

One of my friends has children who cry very loudly, so she has her children practice loud voices and quiet voices so they learn the difference. Then when her kids are crying, she comforts them and tells them that it is okay to cry but encourages them to cry softly. That's not to say that my children always cry softly, but it helps teach them how to deescalate a situation.

Michelle Duggar on Raising a Strong-Willed Child

FAMILY MATTERS on 10.18.13

Michelle Duggar19 Kids and CountingBIO

 

Question from a "19 Kids and Counting" fan on Facebook: How do you handle particularly strong-willed children?

Well, I’ve had a couple of strong-willed ones go through here! I had one that really gave us a lot of challenges. We felt like we going back and forth saying, “Don’t do that,” and they would say, “Why?” They would just push it again and again and I’d think, “They’re never going to get it. It’s just not getting through.”

But we were consistent; that’s really important for parents with young children. If you’ve got a young child and they’re strong-willed, just be consistent -- lovingly consistent. Don’t get bent out of shape. Don’t get upset in the situation. They may push the limit, but they need to know what the boundaries are and they need to understand that those boundaries are not to restrict their fun. Jim Bob would always give this example: He would say, “We have always told you children don’t play in the street. Are we saying that to ruin your fun? Is that to spoil your life? Why would we say don’t play in the street? We put those boundaries in your life for a good reason. It’s to protect you because we love you.” Oftentimes as parents, we can see things that are a danger. And that’s why when we say it, the first time we’ll say, you obey it. There’s not a question of arguing with us about it. It’s just, yes, Ma’am, I will obey you.

Training a strong-willed one to obey was probably the greatest challenge I faced as a mom. I could train three others and they would quickly learn what I meant. But that strong-willed one, we’d go through these training opportunities over and over. Sometimes I would think, “Oh, they’re never going to get it. It’s not getting through.” But I knew I had seen a few of my others go through this and it was beneficial and did work in their lives, so I just didn’t give up. Even though they would butt heads with us, I would be fun but loving and say: “Mommy loves you so much that I’m not going to let you act that way. You cannot talk disrespectful to Momma, and you will obey, and hopefully, you will eventually obey joyfully.” But either way, they need to obey. I won’t budge.

They know I mean business because I just stand firm in what I say. Remember, you’re going to make it as a parent, and they’re going to catch on eventually. Jim Bob told me that he was not strong-willed as a child, but he struggled with dyslexia and it just took two or three times for things to connect for him as a child. He would remind me, don’t give up -- that could be a little Jim Bob that we’re looking at. That gave me hope!